I see you gazing wistfully out at the ocean. Yearning for distant shores?
I was thinking that strange things happen at sea.
At the moment, nothing much happens at sea.
That's where you're wrong. One day, a ship is going to sail over that horizon, and on it will be Gwyneth Paltrow and some healers and many curated self-optimisation experiences.
This sounds like a doomsday prophecy. Or Is Gwyneth bringing an ark to save us all?
Nope, she's doing what she does best, spruiking exorbitant wellness products. This time she's looking to separate you from your dollars out on the high seas.
Sort of like a pirate?
Except with crystals and cashmere. Gwyneth has announced that from 2022, she'll be hosting cruises themed around her Goop wellness empire, on the new $1 billion ship Celebrity Beyond.
As we speak, Captain Gwyneth - known on dry land for peddling trinkets such as $125,000 gold dumbbells - is busy "curating programming and fitness kits."
She promises "trailblazing healers, transformative workshops for mind, body, and soul ... and plenty of surprises-and goopy perks-along the way."
Blackbeard would have spliced his mainbrace for plunder like that.
If we're going to have a celebrity pirate, can't it be Captain Jack Sparrow? He's much funnier. And seriously: cruises? Did Gwyneth watch the news last year?
I think that's the point. Cruise ships need a new healthy image, and what better to lure us back aboard than the siren call of a wellness guru persuasive enough to sell thousands of followers a DIY at-home coffee enema?
Three words: ship of fools.
Gwyneth does assure us on her Instagram that she is "always happiest in, at or by the sea." Maybe she's still sad she lost out to Kate Winslet for the Titanic role.
It just irks me that when I'm finally able to cruise again without a Hazmat suit, I might find myself stranded on the ocean with a questionably-qualified celebrity wellness guru trying to sell me $125,000 gold dumbbells.
That's in US dollars. At today's rate of exchange, Goop's dumbbells are $161,580.
Shiver me timbers, you scurvy dog! Blackbeard would have spliced his mainbrace for plunder like that. I shall not set sail on the good ship Goop.
I can see you're not on board with this one.
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